eavesdropping

while throwing a pity party for myself because of my boy problems, i overheard a conversation between a lady and her friend about someone waking up from a coma. she said that on thanksgiving day, he opened his eyes and looked around. he seemed to be hearing everyone...and understanding. this was difficult for her because they had no real proof that he was able to comprehend what was happening and know who she was. he couldn't express himself, despite their hunches that he was "there". she believed he recognized her. she was trying hard to keep faith alive. any progress was a huge leap.

i thought to myself: sheesh, trin. people have bigger problems than you, and here you are, getting all in a twist because of some guy! psh!

and then the greater thought came to me: actually, i think she and i are in the same boat.

applied learning...a note from all my sub-personalities

• calm down. trust that everything that's supposed to happen will happen.
• at least you got some afterwards. use this "state of limbo" shit to your advantage.
• i wish i could know that he feels the same way i do.
• dang this root beer is GOOD.

• love without fear. loving completely is the only way to grow. said it yourself. expect nothing in return.
• dude, just say it if you're feeling it.
• will he say it back?
• i'm sick of watching you think about all of this. go through it, i guess. don't rub your eyes because you got spicy sauce on your fingers!

hey. thanks.

i've been great at trivia lately. my friends have been more shiny and special in my eyes. my family has relearned how to laugh with and at each other again. i am really comfortable right now, the way i'm sitting. i just home safely from friends and people i consider family. life has been everything but boring (i typed that last sentence and am blown away by how true it is). I feel beautiful, powered up, on fire, and am trying to enjoy it. i have had some really excellent and really delicious food. ive accomplished more than i thought i could. i live with a great community of neighbors and have wonderful roommates. i have a job. i have love. i have realized important callings. i love being naked. i love trusting...it's like my favorite thing to do now. hahah

i am healthy. i have pretty feet. my comfy bed. i am not hungry, or cold, or lonely. instead, i am loved...and kind of sleepy.

a clown and a mime scared the crap out of me on my drive home from work yesterday

true story.

i was in my car and was stopped at a light on Virgil and Prospect.

someone dressed as a clown went right up to my passenger side window, put its hands up,and said "BLAH!"

big red wig. painted face. round nose. white gloves.

i screamed.

i don't like clowns.

THEN

the clown's friend, the mime, stood behind the clown and mocked me by making a "boo hoo" face and pretended to wipe imaginary tears from his imaginary face while continuing his mime-cry.

my jaw dropped.

frazzled, i laughed and shook my head.

correction, i grabbed my chest in offense, and THEN proceeded to laugh and shake my head all the way home.

i tried to remember what day it was while shaking off the nerves.

i felt like a little kid cooly trying to recover from something embarassing.

it was just a normal day, but a normal day in Hollywood.

this morning i bought a lotto ticket just in case this is the season of surprise

and the next surprise is a good one.

then again, winning the lottery would be just as bizarre.

HMMM....

wrapping

'tis the season, honey.

keep wrapping me up.

wrap me up tightly, compulsively, like it was your winter job and santa was your boss.

take your sharp edges

and curl the ends of my ribbon into vampire-ringlet-goldilock curls.

leave nothing uncovered by your sparkly pattern.

trace all corners with your fingers,

flip me over, find my center, and hold--

press there with your strength until you feel done

and until i look done,

then tie the pretty red bow.

...and i will wait...

until the feeling of morning when i see you again.

oh.

release me.

shakerattlesqueezeholdlisten

pretend to guess

until you can't take it.

claw right through, undo undo

ripping all the covers off of my ready body.

scratch through.

there will always be one more layer.

i will tremble like a puppy waiting in a box,

nudging at box tops, tail wagging,

let loose, open, free, and all over the damn place.

happy homecoming, thanksgiving, and merry christmas.

it's much earlier than i thought

and i feel like snugglin'...the whole bit: face nuzzled in neck and chest. arms around a body. arms around me. feet tangled and twistin'. clothes unnecessary but very necessary to maintain snuggle mode. breath soft, face softer, heart softest.

this cough is hangin' on, but i feel some energy coming back to my body and that feels right.

the actual time is 7:03 pm.

I feel like 9pm.

maybe i'm wring about the energy thing. maybe i'm just tired.

maybe i want sushi. maybe i want sushi from down the street and eat a bucket of fresh ginger to ward off the last of this funk.

closing the distance

i'm learning. still lost, but learning, thank god.

i had a conversation with buddy about being in a place of loving with ease, something beyond crazy-faced passion and spazzing out... comfortable and sure of it beyond explanation. the more he described it, the more i realized i was in the same boat. signs and timing.

my weekend was filled with the following:

• words
• hope
• relief
• beautiful people
• buddy
• derrick
• anis
• mindy
• a big red bus
• horchata
• hugs
• kisses
• a captain's hat
• a church
• elephants
• friendly lesbians
• sand
• the queen mary
• laughter
• tears
• not enough rest
• complete fulfillment

signs...and timing

i am so tired and so filled with gratitude.