biting my nails

i wonder how long i can last.

everyone needs to play hookie sometimes

Dear Friends, 

     Yesterday, I took the day off.  I needed it. It was wonderful. I don't use my "personal" days enough-- actually, I rarely do and rarely ever have. If you have "personal" days, use them because there's few things better than your alarm going off same as it does every morning and you realizing: hell yes... i don't gotta listen to this. i'm going to bed. it's (your name here) day.

     I woke the usual time, then laid there. I let the sunlight shine through the blind. I read a little. I realized my freedom let me go to a yoga class. It was an awesome class with hot men there ( hot men that looked straight that i may never see again until my next thursday off).  After that, I went home and did the dishes.  The rest of my day belonged to friends, either in person, on the phone, or via interweb.  

     Here is a list of other accomplishments of trin day:

• I read something that said something along the lines of everything we seek being already within us. amen, Osho.
  
• I got to do whatever I wanted and got paid for it.
  
• I am sore today from yesterday's physical activity.
  
• I established friendship with my summer crush. we had a wonderful conversation. i felt great about it.
  
• I decided that Friday, I would go to the beach.
  
• Stress about that thing called money went away when i realized that I had much to be thankful for.
  
• I slept like a baby and didn't go to the dark side before bed.

So, today, after work, I drove to the beach. there was no traffic. I people watched and stayed there until sundown. drove home in traffic rocked out in the car. randomly texted people. Now i'm here in my snuggly bed about to hop in the shower and grab the next warm body i find hoping to have sex with him. hahaha.  or make out. or just kiss?   pray for me.

love,

trin

i have more than enough...

i have more than enough...i don't mind that i have pending payments that won't go through and eventually screw any income that i'll receive in the next few months...i have more than enough... besides the fact that one of these payments is already to a cash advance place...i have more than enough...and that the other payment is for a parking ticket that i've already bounced once before...i have more than enough... because really, it's all numbers and the economy sucks right now...i have more than enough...  But i'm not above finding a sugar daddy... or maybe i am...i've thought about it a helluva lot lately...  but i have friends, lovers, and i'm not eating from a tube. I'm just frustrated and i want to cry. i'm a good person.  aren't there men who just give away money? i figure the universe will provide. maybe i'll win the lottery tomorrow. maybe i'll take a walk tonite and some stranger will hand me 700.00 just because...

i have more than enough... i have more than enough...i have more than enough... and i sure as hell have been through worse, so i better not complain anymore...  

coming out of it

I want a slice of pizza. I'm watching baseball and catching up on emails. I'm gonna try and fill out divorce papers later tonite. will probably file in time for my would be three year aniversary. funny how things work.

     I feel better today. we're coming out of mercury retrograde which fucked my shit up.  I went to the darkside yesterday. I feel fine again.  women. we rule but sometimes we gotta be nuts in order to be that way, no?

sunday night

too much in my head right now. too much on the outside. i've done a lot of yoga and all that, but now it's just about letting this pass through. i feel insane. i feel like it's good to go to the darkside: the "what if i'm alone forever" darkside...i feel like a wife who's been dissed for the younger model. i feel like a little kid rejected by his summer girlfriend (am i a little boy? what? ). i feel all bitter about life--and funny, it's now that that the actual feeling of loneliness sets in.  am i total pussy right now?  though i'm happy, and stronger, rejection still sucks. but do i want a boyfriend right now? nope. do i just wanna fuck right now? sure, but no. i wish i was one of those girls who was good at this... and i don't even believe in long term relationships anymore...at least not right now. who knows. i think love can happen in five minutes, five years, or fifty lifetimes. oh well. i'm not built for this game. and this sucks.

    i have to deal with this shit. drama. annoying. insecure. bleh.  introspection...and retrospection is a mother fucker.

sunday evening

     I think we are all just freaks and weirdos and some of us have won the circumstance lottery this time around to have the opportunity to make a positive difference in this world. the lesson is to live in gratitude and be open to possibility.  Yes, even though we get in them "i'm going crazy and have had enough of this shit" moods (and god knows that i've been ready to MOVE ON from this life many a time), we might as well make the best of it. be up for this adventure.

      AND, even if we are lonely, there is always something to be learned.  I've had a dude crawl through my window only to crawl out one last time (a girl's got needs). I've had a stranger tell me that i'm gorgeous and weeks later he remains to be seen. I've had the best lovers of my life these past few months and I've been given that random gift of time and self-realization to learn that this city is a crazy place. 

      I myself am a crazy place. I'm thinking the purpose of this life is to learn and figure at least a few things out about how not to make myself so crazy in the next one.  Have faith in the moment because we control none of it.  

       

(this blog, whether viewed by others or not, will keep me accountable. and hey, it's pretty much a pretty way to journal online that chances that someone might read it. As private a person that i am, i know i have some kinda wisdom that can benefit others...)

sunday afternoon

so, i've decided to take seize this day now..i am no longer in say in bed depressed mode. After lunch and a walk, i am now in say in bed and eat cookies and ice cream/dance around in my undies and socks mode. maybe watch a movie, maybe smoke a little. who knows?  all i know (and really love) is that there's no one to stop me...  oh, magical man from the sky, find me, join me...

sunday morning

i woke up this morning not knowing how long i slept for. i remembered that i left laundry in the washer last night. i remembered that i have a tire to patch and i'm driving on a spare  (friday as i was pulling out of the lot at work i noticed a flat. bought a AAA membership. discovered a nail in my rear driver's side tire). i checked my sister's blog. right now, i want neither to socialize nor to be alone. i guess starting this blog was my answer.

welcome.