affection

lately

i've been looking for affection

and lately i've been finding it 

everywhere:

the sky when it turns blue-green and pink

the trees that grow from the ground up, whose leaves light me up

gifts from friends

time and the vision to see that i've got no complaints

because this day isn't mine, its ours

i make out with: 

the lack of control

meals and laughter

naked naps

silence and music

and my hand  when i kiss it at night

imaginary and real people

and really really good food.

i really need to pee

i forgot that when teaching summer school, you can't just leave the class when you need to go to the restroom. I have had to pee for a good seventeen minutes. the children are testing. there's thirteen minutes left of class.

maybe this'll help to write about it.

the view is amazing from this room.

one time i was in traffic on franklin blvd. and had to pee so badly i pulled over and banged on the door of some building on the corner of franklin and...la brea ( i think).  at first the woman who answered told me that there were no public restrooms. I said, "look, i was in traffic and i have to go SO badly that i pulled over and am here asking to use your restroom. I'll take anything i can get ( i don't know what i meant by that).  PLEASE."  she saw the i-am-going-to-piss-myself look in my eyes and let me in.  felt so good. 

several years ago on 4th of July I had to go so badly that a friend of mine ushered me into the front of a port-a-potty (sp?) line and told ALL of the people that we cut in front of to just relax because i was doing the peepee dance so badly that i couldn't get on  the ferris wheel.  when i finally let it out it, was close to the best sensation of my life. 

the fireworks afterwards was also fucking amazing .

p.s.

i was able to take care of business shortly after the phrase "felt so good." the last paragraph and sentence was completed hours later...just keepin' it real.

when "what ifs' turn into the "is" and the "are"

i feel it's this simple:

to follow your heart and do it.

to have a feeling and follow it.

to see good things and say thanks if you see fit.

maybe i enjoy being inappropriate,

absurd,

loud,

quiet, 

alone,

good, 

bad, 

and perhaps even

ugly...

reading this, you know me.

everyone has the capacity to do what they want and say what they feel and be as amazing as they allow themselves to be. know this:

what you love in others, you have in you. same goes for what drives you insane. what you think is sexy is what you have. what you think is pretty is also inside. what you think is witty you have the sharpness to understand. what you wanna say has been said and the world turns, without regard to guilt or hurt feelings and really, we don't owe anybody anything except to respond to life with something honest.  magic is everywhere. i sometimes think traffic in LA happens because the people here need to slow down, quit dressing up, and sit in a little machine by themselves and think about what the fuck they're doing.

i feel like i've written that before. it's worth saying again...

if what you do every day is exhausting, find your way to the opposite effect. i know that snap of a finger wont change much, but its the effort that counts.

effort changes everything.

my horoscope just read: it's a good time to let people know how much you love them.

awesome. 

i feel like spreadin' the love. summer is coming and i am ready for it.  summer is my strongest season. i was born in the summer and when it comes i feel a tickle in my brain that's quiet in the winter, not as good as in the fall, and not even close in the spring.

i could eat some soup right now. bread to dip in. i could eat a bowl of spaghetti. i could also have a salad. I could grab some sweet potato fries...that's an idea. hmmm.  hmm...sushi?

funny how often what i write comes down to food or kissing. ('cuz here comes the kissing part...)

sometimes i wake up in the morning and dream up someone who kisses my neck, nuzzles my face on the right side, and then he disappears and reappears on the other side. he disappears again and then i start my day. and that's it some days; that is nourishment enough.

all the sex has evolved to the movements around it now. i prefer flirting, gazing, holding hands, kissing. intercourse: bleh. sometimes i think that the puritan courtship ideals have it right. SOMETIMES. 

but, i get it. 

i like these moments. 

i lack control.

if i'm gonna eat something, it's gotta be soon because there might be some romance happenin' later.