things i want (plus things i have)

peace on earth and in the hearts of everyone.

someone to snuggle with when i really want someone to snuggle with.

money to pay off debts and the relief of not always having to think about numbers.

free drinks.

good kisses.

warmth and a roof over my head...which i have.

people i love..which i have.

to be continued...

my mom's diary & love

had a conversation with sig on my way home work. she mentioned how chat found my mom's diary when she was in the philippines. sig had browsed through one of the entries that my mom wrote when she was twenty years old. my mom complained about her mom. my mom was flattered by a visit from a fellow once. my mom was tired of staying home sometimes...

     before i got into my car i was having a conversation about life and love ( and most of it was about love).  

     everything's gotta come together and many things already have. i have no control over anything. i know i've written that, said that, felt that, and repeated it to myself many times as a mantra. it makes me feel safe because it's the truth.  

     if i have a child and they track down everything i've ever written, i hope it's fun and full of crazy stories. it would be nice if they learned from reading it that nothing was secure but everything was as it should be: that their mom got high sometimes and met a guy in a grocery store who stopped her in her tracks to tell her she was fucking gorgeous. that she had many lovers. that she had friends that she loved and was even married once before living in her cabin among trees and her beach in kauai. that she had drinks with one of america's most influential poets. that she had long hair in her twenties before becoming a shaved headed little yogi and covered with tattoos. that she loved the rain, kissing, dancing, and most of all, dancing by herself. that she traveled the world twice over, changed many lives,  and the one thing she found to be consistent was everybody's search for, struggle with, and exploration of  l o v e . 

lost sleep

for good reason. i read this thing today that said true love is unconditional. even more so, that all love is unconditional. i believe it so deeply but i'm not sure if this belief comes from a place that justifies my having no expectations when i get emotionally involved with someone, therefore creating this armor when i don't get a response back. unconditional love: why can't we all believe this? maybe that would stop all these bullshit games about when to call, when to react, when to do whatever. but maybe these impulses come from a need to satisfy something lacking inside. so,  this real unconditional love that i read about today applies when we are fully in touch with ourselves and who we are as individuals, hopefully not acing out of fear or insecurity or the need to control. i really think that i'm on my way... i just recently recognized the fact that i've sold myself short in the past. fuck that. i'm done with that.  i have killer instincts, so i will follow them. fuck the cost and my only solution is to really follow it because whenever i really truly do, everything comes out okay. 

     so i will play the game of "social norms" even though if we could all act like stalkers sometimes, i bet we would. if we could all afford to sky-write how we feel, i bet we would and it would be a very murky sky because of it.  so, seeing that i've kind of fallen in love many times since the break up, and am definitely in love with this poet that i don't even know, i'm just gonna feel good projecting it out there. i've found that i've learned a great deal over all of the people i've met thus far and it's only getting better.  each person has unlocked a greater, or at least different side of me. i like this. it's fun to be insecure and to be all dramatic sometimes. it's fun to lose your cool. it's fun to do this while having the power to be still when i come home. it's fun to cry about it and  then randomly smile really big when i'm driving. it just takes courage.

     so, tina, what's love got to do with it??  a helluva lot. a whole helluva lot.  

going

drinking my dinner tonite. had a healthy snack earlier. thought about having a child last week and my face didnt cringe. sights are bright right now only because i've relinquished control.  i havent had a really sweaty practice in a long time. nickolas was over last night. i'm gonna meet a poet friday night. thanksgiving is in between. november makes you want affection. november makes me want affection and someone in my bed. 

i doesnt need to be a special occasion to light candles. weird, but i'm on this trip where i see everything as fleeting. gratitude is the best choice for me because otherwise i can go to the dark side. i'm trying to make gratitude my very style. i let things come to me. my "fuck it" mode is back..and really..it's so me. fuckin hippie.

i love kissing.

it's a new moon tomorrow. sweet.

i think i'm back

for now. because i was gone for a while and not quite feeling like myself.  i've fallen in love with the poetry of derrick c. brown and wanna believe that i've gone through all of this solely to find what i have seen him write so well on paper. i can't explain it so i won't try.

     i think the answer for me is to just slow down.

I went on a walk this morning and waved to five firemen who were parked in my neighborhood. they are hot and i was happy about that. I tried to run a little bit when i was passing them because it got kinda weird when they all started waving while they were sitting in their big red trucks.  it was quite the exchange of waving and smiling. 

i'm good. just different. just kinda broke but have grown a lot. trying to get my priorities straight because i realize they have to change. gonna try new things.

biting my nails

i wonder how long i can last.

everyone needs to play hookie sometimes

Dear Friends, 

     Yesterday, I took the day off.  I needed it. It was wonderful. I don't use my "personal" days enough-- actually, I rarely do and rarely ever have. If you have "personal" days, use them because there's few things better than your alarm going off same as it does every morning and you realizing: hell yes... i don't gotta listen to this. i'm going to bed. it's (your name here) day.

     I woke the usual time, then laid there. I let the sunlight shine through the blind. I read a little. I realized my freedom let me go to a yoga class. It was an awesome class with hot men there ( hot men that looked straight that i may never see again until my next thursday off).  After that, I went home and did the dishes.  The rest of my day belonged to friends, either in person, on the phone, or via interweb.  

     Here is a list of other accomplishments of trin day:

• I read something that said something along the lines of everything we seek being already within us. amen, Osho.
  
• I got to do whatever I wanted and got paid for it.
  
• I am sore today from yesterday's physical activity.
  
• I established friendship with my summer crush. we had a wonderful conversation. i felt great about it.
  
• I decided that Friday, I would go to the beach.
  
• Stress about that thing called money went away when i realized that I had much to be thankful for.
  
• I slept like a baby and didn't go to the dark side before bed.

So, today, after work, I drove to the beach. there was no traffic. I people watched and stayed there until sundown. drove home in traffic rocked out in the car. randomly texted people. Now i'm here in my snuggly bed about to hop in the shower and grab the next warm body i find hoping to have sex with him. hahaha.  or make out. or just kiss?   pray for me.

love,

trin

i have more than enough...

i have more than enough...i don't mind that i have pending payments that won't go through and eventually screw any income that i'll receive in the next few months...i have more than enough... besides the fact that one of these payments is already to a cash advance place...i have more than enough...and that the other payment is for a parking ticket that i've already bounced once before...i have more than enough... because really, it's all numbers and the economy sucks right now...i have more than enough...  But i'm not above finding a sugar daddy... or maybe i am...i've thought about it a helluva lot lately...  but i have friends, lovers, and i'm not eating from a tube. I'm just frustrated and i want to cry. i'm a good person.  aren't there men who just give away money? i figure the universe will provide. maybe i'll win the lottery tomorrow. maybe i'll take a walk tonite and some stranger will hand me 700.00 just because...

i have more than enough... i have more than enough...i have more than enough... and i sure as hell have been through worse, so i better not complain anymore...  

coming out of it

I want a slice of pizza. I'm watching baseball and catching up on emails. I'm gonna try and fill out divorce papers later tonite. will probably file in time for my would be three year aniversary. funny how things work.

     I feel better today. we're coming out of mercury retrograde which fucked my shit up.  I went to the darkside yesterday. I feel fine again.  women. we rule but sometimes we gotta be nuts in order to be that way, no?

sunday night

too much in my head right now. too much on the outside. i've done a lot of yoga and all that, but now it's just about letting this pass through. i feel insane. i feel like it's good to go to the darkside: the "what if i'm alone forever" darkside...i feel like a wife who's been dissed for the younger model. i feel like a little kid rejected by his summer girlfriend (am i a little boy? what? ). i feel all bitter about life--and funny, it's now that that the actual feeling of loneliness sets in.  am i total pussy right now?  though i'm happy, and stronger, rejection still sucks. but do i want a boyfriend right now? nope. do i just wanna fuck right now? sure, but no. i wish i was one of those girls who was good at this... and i don't even believe in long term relationships anymore...at least not right now. who knows. i think love can happen in five minutes, five years, or fifty lifetimes. oh well. i'm not built for this game. and this sucks.

    i have to deal with this shit. drama. annoying. insecure. bleh.  introspection...and retrospection is a mother fucker.

sunday evening

     I think we are all just freaks and weirdos and some of us have won the circumstance lottery this time around to have the opportunity to make a positive difference in this world. the lesson is to live in gratitude and be open to possibility.  Yes, even though we get in them "i'm going crazy and have had enough of this shit" moods (and god knows that i've been ready to MOVE ON from this life many a time), we might as well make the best of it. be up for this adventure.

      AND, even if we are lonely, there is always something to be learned.  I've had a dude crawl through my window only to crawl out one last time (a girl's got needs). I've had a stranger tell me that i'm gorgeous and weeks later he remains to be seen. I've had the best lovers of my life these past few months and I've been given that random gift of time and self-realization to learn that this city is a crazy place. 

      I myself am a crazy place. I'm thinking the purpose of this life is to learn and figure at least a few things out about how not to make myself so crazy in the next one.  Have faith in the moment because we control none of it.  

       

(this blog, whether viewed by others or not, will keep me accountable. and hey, it's pretty much a pretty way to journal online that chances that someone might read it. As private a person that i am, i know i have some kinda wisdom that can benefit others...)

sunday afternoon

so, i've decided to take seize this day now..i am no longer in say in bed depressed mode. After lunch and a walk, i am now in say in bed and eat cookies and ice cream/dance around in my undies and socks mode. maybe watch a movie, maybe smoke a little. who knows?  all i know (and really love) is that there's no one to stop me...  oh, magical man from the sky, find me, join me...

sunday morning

i woke up this morning not knowing how long i slept for. i remembered that i left laundry in the washer last night. i remembered that i have a tire to patch and i'm driving on a spare  (friday as i was pulling out of the lot at work i noticed a flat. bought a AAA membership. discovered a nail in my rear driver's side tire). i checked my sister's blog. right now, i want neither to socialize nor to be alone. i guess starting this blog was my answer.

welcome.