things i want (plus things i have)

peace on earth and in the hearts of everyone.

someone to snuggle with when i really want someone to snuggle with.

money to pay off debts and the relief of not always having to think about numbers.

free drinks.

good kisses.

warmth and a roof over my head...which i have.

people i love..which i have.

to be continued...

my mom's diary & love

had a conversation with sig on my way home work. she mentioned how chat found my mom's diary when she was in the philippines. sig had browsed through one of the entries that my mom wrote when she was twenty years old. my mom complained about her mom. my mom was flattered by a visit from a fellow once. my mom was tired of staying home sometimes...

     before i got into my car i was having a conversation about life and love ( and most of it was about love).  

     everything's gotta come together and many things already have. i have no control over anything. i know i've written that, said that, felt that, and repeated it to myself many times as a mantra. it makes me feel safe because it's the truth.  

     if i have a child and they track down everything i've ever written, i hope it's fun and full of crazy stories. it would be nice if they learned from reading it that nothing was secure but everything was as it should be: that their mom got high sometimes and met a guy in a grocery store who stopped her in her tracks to tell her she was fucking gorgeous. that she had many lovers. that she had friends that she loved and was even married once before living in her cabin among trees and her beach in kauai. that she had drinks with one of america's most influential poets. that she had long hair in her twenties before becoming a shaved headed little yogi and covered with tattoos. that she loved the rain, kissing, dancing, and most of all, dancing by herself. that she traveled the world twice over, changed many lives,  and the one thing she found to be consistent was everybody's search for, struggle with, and exploration of  l o v e . 

lost sleep

for good reason. i read this thing today that said true love is unconditional. even more so, that all love is unconditional. i believe it so deeply but i'm not sure if this belief comes from a place that justifies my having no expectations when i get emotionally involved with someone, therefore creating this armor when i don't get a response back. unconditional love: why can't we all believe this? maybe that would stop all these bullshit games about when to call, when to react, when to do whatever. but maybe these impulses come from a need to satisfy something lacking inside. so,  this real unconditional love that i read about today applies when we are fully in touch with ourselves and who we are as individuals, hopefully not acing out of fear or insecurity or the need to control. i really think that i'm on my way... i just recently recognized the fact that i've sold myself short in the past. fuck that. i'm done with that.  i have killer instincts, so i will follow them. fuck the cost and my only solution is to really follow it because whenever i really truly do, everything comes out okay. 

     so i will play the game of "social norms" even though if we could all act like stalkers sometimes, i bet we would. if we could all afford to sky-write how we feel, i bet we would and it would be a very murky sky because of it.  so, seeing that i've kind of fallen in love many times since the break up, and am definitely in love with this poet that i don't even know, i'm just gonna feel good projecting it out there. i've found that i've learned a great deal over all of the people i've met thus far and it's only getting better.  each person has unlocked a greater, or at least different side of me. i like this. it's fun to be insecure and to be all dramatic sometimes. it's fun to lose your cool. it's fun to do this while having the power to be still when i come home. it's fun to cry about it and  then randomly smile really big when i'm driving. it just takes courage.

     so, tina, what's love got to do with it??  a helluva lot. a whole helluva lot.