saturday frenzy...suckers!

i am saving money.

i am in my room.  i have taken a nap almost everyday this summer, the shortest on being about twenty minutes, the longest being about four hours.

after teaching class today i bought a single slice of cheese pizza and walked over to toys 'r' us. i rule. the delicious slice made me sleepy. i went home and, surprise, took a nap. i woke up about an hour ago.

which brings me to the present moment...i could buy a large beer, but i don't feel like it and will probably drink a bunch tomorrow. i could smoke some weed, then i would want a snack, then i could go to the market and be high and walk around.  this might be the plan for tonite.  driving in this town sucks on saturdays, and at the very least i could watch people be out on dates in the town where i very happily live and do not need to travel to in order to be out and about yay.

yes, i could get high, walk around, come back, and write and daydream.  THAT, my friend, is my kinda saturday night.  this has been my kind of saturday in general.

god bless america.

i can follow directions

"tap in. tap the shoulder.

love is yours.

make the first move.

lose the ones who stepped on your shoes.

love is yours.

let it be its horrible self. learn it."

-derrick c. brown

from "Church of the Broken Axe Handle'

fearlessness and peace of mind

that title is misleading.  that title sounds  like this might be a very deep and self-searching kind of entry, perhaps about courage and meditation. it's not. or maybe...whatever.

it's about love and about how yesterday after three events (a death of a coworker, watching the movie "funny people", and a poetry reading), i really decided on being fearless. fearless and foolish about laying it all out on the table. i believe it to the core: to love no other way.  he's gonna appreciate or not. frankly, i've been surprised that i haven't scared him away yet with other things that i've done. so, when i texted him this morning that i couldn't get him out of my brain and it was driving me bananas and that there was no reply needed, i didn't freak out about it. it's true and out there now. perhaps thats the best we can do: to let it be true and let it be out there. there is no other message. be fearless.

i will always be present...not in the stalker way, but in the way that says i'm stickin around regardless of who else is out there because i don't give a fuck.

as for the peace of mind part, i'll get what i need when i need it from other lovers, but nigga please. no one's foolin with the deepest part of me which belongs to you. 

i feel i could write erotica and thousands of love letters. 

i've never felt like this before: cracked out and jonesin' on the lovin'. powerless but with an urge to pay this feeling forward.

all of a sudden i'm hungry. it's because i haven't eaten anything today.

must

solve

immediately.

fearlessness and peace of mind.

thinking too hard : a rant about what the aftermath

i've walked many a walk of shame and have made some good lovin' to many great men.

perhaps i'm frazzled because either something is over or something has just begun. both are fine...just FINE...but maybe not. after all the magic, he is just a man. after psyching myself out by looking at his pictures, he is just a man (in my opinion one of the most extraordinary men on the fucking planet), but JUST a man.  i cannot blame him for not wanting a girlfriend. i can't blame him for being fucking gorgeous or sexy or good with his words.

this is what i get for tangling with a poet.

can i just tell him:

i regret this a little bit. i wanted to be special. i wanted to be above the others and not among the droves of women who try and get in your pants. i have a crush on you. i want dibs (super dibs over your mouth and your heart and your orange juice).  is it too late now? wanna just be friends? let's have some juice.

what i've learned:

never to settle.  that i'm perhaps more badass that i thought i was. i've learned what it feels like to want to drop everything for somebody. i've learned that i've never felt that before. i like it. plus freedom.  i can do this for a while. i will keep my crush on my poet because i have nothing to lose.

stop thinking. just be.  all this imagination right now will get you nowhere because what actually happened gets tacked on to "the best shit ever in my life" list. hahahah.

 

affection

lately

i've been looking for affection

and lately i've been finding it 

everywhere:

the sky when it turns blue-green and pink

the trees that grow from the ground up, whose leaves light me up

gifts from friends

time and the vision to see that i've got no complaints

because this day isn't mine, its ours

i make out with: 

the lack of control

meals and laughter

naked naps

silence and music

and my hand  when i kiss it at night

imaginary and real people

and really really good food.