nighty night

when i sleep next to a good man, his hand on any part of me in combination with delectable weight,
sends me to what some call bliss or enlightenment. perhaps it's just someone reaching for you in the morning
that's the feeling that gives the self-smile.
hands and weight and breath and a feeling you can enjoy without having to believe in anything at all.
the shelter i find the in the hearts of my dearest girlfriends and sisters. knowing without thinking and sharing without explanation. contact without touch. glances and laughter that make whale songs pause and remix.


but i get it now...
i'm all of these things.
i reach no longer
i find love
laugh to myself
because i've been getting affirmation
that maybe it's just right to risk ourselves,
love ourselves
so we can dole it out more.
i walk around. i pay attention. and i could do just this
forever.
when i was a kid i just felt ready to go...to move on...
i've stayed longer than i imagined was right.
i suppose i'll just keep going.

options

a) give yourself a foot massage
b) write in your blog
c) try and make sweet love to any man that moves
d) go back to the sacred act of makin' sweet love
e) get an easy to manage, lower vibrational "boyfriend" so you can feel "happy"
f) eat some delicious Pocky
g) take vibrationally higher lovers and enjoy it because they're not yours to lose
g) trim cuticles with cuticle trimmers, trim fingernails with teeth
h) during art walk, be a demo for a hair salon and get a cut& dry on the sidewalk for cheap
i) fantasize, daydream, then touch yourself in an according and satisfying fashion
j) have an awkward interaction with your neighbor
k) change a few lightbulb because they "could go any minute now"
l) type this sent e nce like you're a dj at the mixing board
m) read poetry
n) up and leave
o) think of how much you love your friends
p) lick your lips
q) receive some magical affirmation from the universe that your beloved is on the way
r) get some sleep
s) make a wish
t) say mantra
u) try on different outfits and re-purge your closet
v) keep remembering that anything can happen
w) love that you can sleep in tomorrow
x) regret spending so much money today, then realize that does no good and it doesnt matter
y) be happy that all of your decisions today were felt yesses
z) never settle for less than what makes you the happiest you can be

eureka

on the day that i decided to no longer write about the past, everything fell into place. i dunno if this'll stick, but the decision was enough. anything can happen and when you live like everything is one, all time is one moment, and you've got nothing but your heart and your belly and your mouth, even the air gets rad.
i'll have more human and insane days, but this full moon, there's more falling away and healing than i know about or planned for. like tolle says, abundance is not more things, but a deeper connection to fewer things, alignment with life...letting go of stories and agendas, realizing that it's THAT easy to not resist. osho asks us to move like a river, swirling, passing beauty, lingering sometimes near trees and flowers, but always moving to the greater source. songs, since melody was born, pull something unique, shiny, and rare out of each soul that crosses paths. we relate because of this web and suddenly i see all the people in my life who are dear to me as parts of me, kinda literally as i breathe them in. chunks of ourselves..walking around...more often than not, hoping that we recognize one another as the same.
all is still, all is swooshing, only to help us see that metaphor after metaphor passed down through time, points deliberately in one direction. i no longer need to stray or wonder about forks in the road. i have everything i need because i'm always home. it doesn't make sense to me to know this and not be at ease, not follow it and live accordingly. all i wanna do is watch people get closer.

the feline tic tock

why men are so wonderful:
their hands, arms, shoulders, hair, the faces they get when they're trying to work things out. the faces they make when they are solving problems and are about to make this solution known. the faces they make before they smile, while smiling, and after they smile.
all of the noises they make without making sense.
strength and weakness all rolled up in one. they take charge. they let go..

the way they let me let go, ignore all my world-beating sensibilities, and go ultra-feminine, super feline, magic madness.

i wanna sleep in the quiet of all the good men i've known, and kiss all of their mouths tonite. i wanna wrestle with a pair of hands that know the struggle is only a fight to contain myself.
find me, hold me, grab my face, say "i'm finally fucking here, impatient one".

love will seal my eyelids shut for a good forty-seven seconds. in the following sixty seconds your right hand will glide down my arm and sink into my left hand.
ten fingers join while the other ten will accept the task of a very busy and mapless journey,
a scavenger hunt where knocked down doors and unmanned fires only lead to more riddles that need no solution.

vulnerability

what is the most effective way to sneak onto your skin,
becoming tiny enough to steal your love if i have to?
how do i do this?
perhaps one night as i light a candle
the wax will burn from the outside in,
leaving nothing but the gumdrop flame
which in the next breath i pluck from the air like
a ripened grape
and pop into my mouth
swallowing,
i disappear to the naked eye
as it lights my organs like
the watchtowers of The Great Wall
beginning at the belly and spreading outward
beyond and above the space of the fontanelle
there will be heat and clarity



the question will change:
not how tiny but how expansive can i be?
quantum hopping on the lilly pads
of molecules between us
the question of not how tiny but how expansive
how strong these thoughts of you have to be
to make you feel me
like i feel you
in the middle of my night
deeply
this process is frightening
the angler fish dangling its light in the depths
where it seemed impossible for this flame to even shine

fkjf

thisisasentencewithoutanyspaces

and it was difficult to type but i'm okay

i lived through it

just as i will live through having just enough .

if i could move through each piece of now, i would.

i will.

i have a box in my closet marked 'the past'

and it holds nothing that i want to keep.

i do not have a box marked the future because that would be silly.

fuck that box. who wants their future in a box?

i keep my future on a list that shines out in my room

what screams out from that list screams out so loud that it becomes real.

i'm getting close to giving without wanting

i hope it's not laziness that

i don't wanna claim anything.

i feel lately that i don't have the right to be so posessive.

OH NO

everything im learning

boils down to paying attention

i like doing that

i like it so much that i can go long periods of time

without

talking.

i like doing.

i like paying attention.

i like ice cream

i like long drives

i like learning

i like kissing

i like wearing boots and bathing suits

(but not at the same time)

i remember the feeling of being closely held by another human being and

i liked that. a lot.

i like dancing barefoot

and flailing around so crazily that youd think my parts would fly off my body

i like accomplishing things

i like not knowing because i feel safe in it

i like not needing proof of who i am...that's what makes kissing so good.

disconnect

i feel like i'm taking huge paces towards a very important door...and the strides are made in slow motion, as if my feet are stuck in tar, but i'm okay with this.

i wonder if i can stay in this job for one more year. i feel alone in it.

i am alone in it right now.

more meditation, feeling it out, more doing, more stops.

the meditation is in what i do and what i do feels like it is in slow motion and i wonder if i will ever be intimate with anybody ever again.

this is a slow opening.

i am a slow opening.

tender, pulsing, alive, alone.

I opener

i practice loneliness.

and lately,

emptiness.

But, when i meditate, I feel a vastness replace that space.

something takes over,

knocking out the walls that separate my lungs, heart, and brain,

I am able to claim my name

and have the three

join in union.

if my eyes are windows

this new space is a large kitchen

with canary yellow curtains

letting the sun's warmest beams

dance in patterns

where my bare feet are gonna go.

I no longer brace for the cold.

this is a kitchen void of cutlery,

with the exception of the occasional spoon

I eat with my hands,

gently separating

what would usually be cut with knives

with my fingers.

I form these pieces with cookie cutter precision,

the best star-shaped pb & j sandwiches in all the land.

the three windows

(bend and you will become whole.

so says the tao teh ching.)

you were afraid of waking the neighbors.

you were scared of walking through my living room

so you crawled through my window.

i thought you were joking.

all throughout the night,

while we were not cuddling,

i had the construction people build a twisty slide

for my escape.

it was chilly out when i left.

i hired my dentist to wait at the bottom

for the sole purpose of handing out lollipops.

sucker.

this one has a magic window.

"ah."

through this window you can look out of all of Los Angeles

late at night

and imagine what the nightshift is doing in the buildings

with elevators racing up and down.

"oooh. interesting."

yes. i knew you'd like it.

this couch here is for fake yawns, caressing, and lit cigarettes.

go ahead, you can touch it. feels real, doesn't it?

"mm hmm....oh, and how about the bedroom?"

oh, i was saving that for the end, madame.

the bedroom room has music

that pops out of very tiny speakers

installed in all six of its corners.

when the jukebox of love is on,

it sounds like a very tiny circus

is playing familiar songs far off in the distance...

see?

"i see.

i'll take it."

she had to watch her head.

the latch jutted out from ceiling

when the window was open.

her hair got caught on it

often.

this make out room was meant for people

who were used

to military crawling along the grounds

of mine swept

and wanting hearts.

she knew he was a native to that land,

but

it wasn't until the sun came up

that she noticed all the scalps.

i get into stories about the ocean

If I

jumped up

and clung to you with sandy feet,

the

only

appropriate response

would be

to fling your head back,

laugh,

and carry me

into the waves

with you

forever.

i need a time out

i need it like i've been hit in the belly by a giant red rubber dodge-ball half the size of me,

with a scraped knee bloody and still burning

with no friends on my side

and ten minutes remaining

of this recess that wasn't a recess at all.

it was an onslaught of no good snack trades,

lack of band-aids,

no whistles,

asphalt bruises,

distant laughter,

and ugly crying.

shaky and gasping,

a grown up is feeling like a twelve year old who's

afraid of looking like a baby in front of everyone.

can i go back in time with the grace of now?

a mish-mash of wisdom from all of my ages:

I summon the maturity to wash my wounds, dust my elbows off and sweep the little kid ponytail off to one side.

I laugh at the grown-ups watching because this turn,

this is the turn i pick my magic square.

This turn the marker falls just right:

with a flash from the sun,

slowing the seconds,

morphing them into a montage of hopscotch victory,

ninja style double-dutch,

and capturing the flag without turning back.

if i can look forward enough to do so,

i can look back until i become drowsy from all this hoping.

ancient tradition says detachment is a part of it.

all is transitory.

all my happenings are done and there is only this:

a heart that draws things to me. breath that gives me light.

a sighing out of joy and relief.

Yet inside, still existing beautifully, is that shakiness.

under real and cosmic blankets, while i'm curled up in a ball,

is that feeling and that very basic need

of being

held.

i belong to the world

and that's that.

"seat check" and other cool things

in other words, "this seat is mine, and will be when i return from where i'm getting up to go to right now"

and all the other guys in the room comply. friend or not, doubtful that anyone was even listening when someone says "seat check", it's honored when someone else tries to take that chair.

boys are simple: they follow a code of rules until they feel disrespected. that's why boys are boys and girls are girls.

sometimes life needs the "seat check" rule.

right when i happen to be wondering about life the most, some kid randomly starts playing "don't stop believing" on the piano in the office.

sometimes we need to be surprised by what gets played on a piano.

lost agin.

careful about what i'm wishing for.

trying to take my own advice.

i think i want a digital watch.

i think i want someone to hold me.

i think i want pie a la mode.

i think i'm sad. i feel uncertain.

i think i need a nap.

i think i think too much.

stopping.

yup.

rulebreaker

i am typing in bed. which close to never happens because it passes my imaginary sacntuary line that outlines my wonderful bed. i sleep here. i dream here. i snuggle with lovers here.

that last thing... maybe that's why i don't care tonite.

for a few days i decided that all was lost and that was it. i get confused sometimes to how much i manifest and what is real. i know many things go on in here. scattered and messy and leaving me wondering. it's all a dream to me. it was all a dream. everything is a dream.

so, i can dream up this man who will scoop me up and say "finally" and look at me like i've looked at people before, like loose change down a wishing well. i'll dream up this man who already exists. i dared to take it for granted. what a fool. i dared to expect things. with the way my days have been lately, how could i have done that? i lived in peace when i thought everything was a blessing and i was just lucky to be standing. i say so often that i'm ready to go to whatever the next level is. and i still hold that true. except for this... if i can't spill my guts in person, then i'll do it in a letter. i wanna say:

i will always have your back. i never thought id find you but i understand how this couldnt work out. you must know that you taught me how to love and never to settle. you, darling, were my number one, you dumb ass (that's if i get rejected). and i got you. you were smart there for a few months. one day when you let someone love you as completely as i could, you will smile and so will i.

and if you choose wisely, and grab me and love me and realize how much i trust you with every feeling in my every bone, i will be lit up like the sky was tonite on a full moon. i will play in your shadows and celebrate your light by making the yummy sounds.

yes. that moment i waited for is here. the drowsy droop of my eyelids. this was the only way to solve the sleeplessness of thinking about you: to break my own rule and type about it lying down, letting the crappy light of this screen burn through and exhaust these eyeballs even more.

if it was about me not being cute enough, then shame on you...and shame on me for trying to become more than just rad sex with one of my favorite people on this earth.

eavesdropping

while throwing a pity party for myself because of my boy problems, i overheard a conversation between a lady and her friend about someone waking up from a coma. she said that on thanksgiving day, he opened his eyes and looked around. he seemed to be hearing everyone...and understanding. this was difficult for her because they had no real proof that he was able to comprehend what was happening and know who she was. he couldn't express himself, despite their hunches that he was "there". she believed he recognized her. she was trying hard to keep faith alive. any progress was a huge leap.

i thought to myself: sheesh, trin. people have bigger problems than you, and here you are, getting all in a twist because of some guy! psh!

and then the greater thought came to me: actually, i think she and i are in the same boat.

applied learning...a note from all my sub-personalities

• calm down. trust that everything that's supposed to happen will happen.
• at least you got some afterwards. use this "state of limbo" shit to your advantage.
• i wish i could know that he feels the same way i do.
• dang this root beer is GOOD.

• love without fear. loving completely is the only way to grow. said it yourself. expect nothing in return.
• dude, just say it if you're feeling it.
• will he say it back?
• i'm sick of watching you think about all of this. go through it, i guess. don't rub your eyes because you got spicy sauce on your fingers!

hey. thanks.

i've been great at trivia lately. my friends have been more shiny and special in my eyes. my family has relearned how to laugh with and at each other again. i am really comfortable right now, the way i'm sitting. i just home safely from friends and people i consider family. life has been everything but boring (i typed that last sentence and am blown away by how true it is). I feel beautiful, powered up, on fire, and am trying to enjoy it. i have had some really excellent and really delicious food. ive accomplished more than i thought i could. i live with a great community of neighbors and have wonderful roommates. i have a job. i have love. i have realized important callings. i love being naked. i love trusting...it's like my favorite thing to do now. hahah

i am healthy. i have pretty feet. my comfy bed. i am not hungry, or cold, or lonely. instead, i am loved...and kind of sleepy.

a clown and a mime scared the crap out of me on my drive home from work yesterday

true story.

i was in my car and was stopped at a light on Virgil and Prospect.

someone dressed as a clown went right up to my passenger side window, put its hands up,and said "BLAH!"

big red wig. painted face. round nose. white gloves.

i screamed.

i don't like clowns.

THEN

the clown's friend, the mime, stood behind the clown and mocked me by making a "boo hoo" face and pretended to wipe imaginary tears from his imaginary face while continuing his mime-cry.

my jaw dropped.

frazzled, i laughed and shook my head.

correction, i grabbed my chest in offense, and THEN proceeded to laugh and shake my head all the way home.

i tried to remember what day it was while shaking off the nerves.

i felt like a little kid cooly trying to recover from something embarassing.

it was just a normal day, but a normal day in Hollywood.

this morning i bought a lotto ticket just in case this is the season of surprise

and the next surprise is a good one.

then again, winning the lottery would be just as bizarre.

HMMM....

wrapping

'tis the season, honey.

keep wrapping me up.

wrap me up tightly, compulsively, like it was your winter job and santa was your boss.

take your sharp edges

and curl the ends of my ribbon into vampire-ringlet-goldilock curls.

leave nothing uncovered by your sparkly pattern.

trace all corners with your fingers,

flip me over, find my center, and hold--

press there with your strength until you feel done

and until i look done,

then tie the pretty red bow.

...and i will wait...

until the feeling of morning when i see you again.

oh.

release me.

shakerattlesqueezeholdlisten

pretend to guess

until you can't take it.

claw right through, undo undo

ripping all the covers off of my ready body.

scratch through.

there will always be one more layer.

i will tremble like a puppy waiting in a box,

nudging at box tops, tail wagging,

let loose, open, free, and all over the damn place.

happy homecoming, thanksgiving, and merry christmas.

it's much earlier than i thought

and i feel like snugglin'...the whole bit: face nuzzled in neck and chest. arms around a body. arms around me. feet tangled and twistin'. clothes unnecessary but very necessary to maintain snuggle mode. breath soft, face softer, heart softest.

this cough is hangin' on, but i feel some energy coming back to my body and that feels right.

the actual time is 7:03 pm.

I feel like 9pm.

maybe i'm wring about the energy thing. maybe i'm just tired.

maybe i want sushi. maybe i want sushi from down the street and eat a bucket of fresh ginger to ward off the last of this funk.