rulebreaker

i am typing in bed. which close to never happens because it passes my imaginary sacntuary line that outlines my wonderful bed. i sleep here. i dream here. i snuggle with lovers here.

that last thing... maybe that's why i don't care tonite.

for a few days i decided that all was lost and that was it. i get confused sometimes to how much i manifest and what is real. i know many things go on in here. scattered and messy and leaving me wondering. it's all a dream to me. it was all a dream. everything is a dream.

so, i can dream up this man who will scoop me up and say "finally" and look at me like i've looked at people before, like loose change down a wishing well. i'll dream up this man who already exists. i dared to take it for granted. what a fool. i dared to expect things. with the way my days have been lately, how could i have done that? i lived in peace when i thought everything was a blessing and i was just lucky to be standing. i say so often that i'm ready to go to whatever the next level is. and i still hold that true. except for this... if i can't spill my guts in person, then i'll do it in a letter. i wanna say:

i will always have your back. i never thought id find you but i understand how this couldnt work out. you must know that you taught me how to love and never to settle. you, darling, were my number one, you dumb ass (that's if i get rejected). and i got you. you were smart there for a few months. one day when you let someone love you as completely as i could, you will smile and so will i.

and if you choose wisely, and grab me and love me and realize how much i trust you with every feeling in my every bone, i will be lit up like the sky was tonite on a full moon. i will play in your shadows and celebrate your light by making the yummy sounds.

yes. that moment i waited for is here. the drowsy droop of my eyelids. this was the only way to solve the sleeplessness of thinking about you: to break my own rule and type about it lying down, letting the crappy light of this screen burn through and exhaust these eyeballs even more.

if it was about me not being cute enough, then shame on you...and shame on me for trying to become more than just rad sex with one of my favorite people on this earth.