los angeles

i am off limits tonite.

this whole "tough guy" act starts to wear on a girl who's a hopeless romantic living in the part of town where couples go on dates and walk their adorable dogs down the street while holding hands.

there were a few repeating patterns to today: garages, defeated men, and awkward moments.

i wonder if i'm a healer because i've crushed a man's soul so mercilessly. i don't ever want to have to do that again. now i see women treat their men badly and wonder if they've forgotten that they were the world to him once. i wonder about relationships and miss feeling close to someone. i am letting myself drown in this feeling tonite. if my heart were a mouth it would be chewing foil. i felt this on the freeway. i almost lost hope on the drive home tonite.

it's not as simple as i thought. not that i thought it was simple to begin with, i guess i'm just less comfortable with this gypsy state that i'm in. i've never missed someone this much. i know how men can still feel good and not be the one you really really really want. i want to spill my guts just to get a reaction. i want to hide in my bed and only peel myself out of it when he's ready to love me. i don't want to become someone so independent that they rule so hard at their job and forget how to lean into a cuddle or close their eyes when they kiss. i can't. i might be incapable of those things, thank god.

the thing is, i found someone that i want and right now i'm sick of waiting, sick of trusting, sick of being alone, knowing that i cannot settle, knowing that this is just passing, but i want to cry my way out of it like a four-year-old child.

i don't care if there's danger in it. i just don't wanna feel like an idiot. but hey, that's life.

i've done stupider things for lesser men. i have learned that maybe some people don't get scared off by bold enough behavior.

i want to get so tiny.

i want to hold on and cling.

i want to scream into my pillow and have the words pop up in his sleep.

i want to throw a fucking tantrum about it and have that be it, BUT NO, i have to dive into my emotions to grow from this.

in the process of making the path to my breakthroughs, i've discovered these feelings. i am happy but feeling everything. i am the unexplained. i know that maybe i'm alone in this...by choice.

to the dude, to the chick, to the yogi, to the voyeur: all y'all can suck it.