confession

today i got home and parked my car. i went into my room to shake off my day. i did a good practice. it changed me but my craving did not cease. i walked around...i walked to the bank...i went to nature mart...i did the ultimate pace around the blocks where i live.

i ended up at the counter of the liquor store. maybe you know where this is going by now.

i asked for them. today was special edition: they came in a tin. oooh. affirmation that it was meant to be?

i slid into my SF skin. my late teens, early 20s, the me that walked around lake merced, the me that let herself get stuck in a weird relationship, the me that would make life long friends, the me that made copies for people and worked in retail. the me that would struggle to feel like she was home in any other city. this version shook hands with someone who knew better but was able to look back with pride, ownership and grace.

wiser hands pulled a cigarette out of that pack like the first time.

wiser hands wearing her love watch and mala beads,

who now lived down the street, is finding love, is working hard at what feels like everything, is growing her hair out, is letting go of what needs to go and letting in whatever's right.

she is a teacher now, who has lovers but will drop everything for just That one,

who is steadiest on her bare feet and looks best in her undies,

who feels like all she's learning is to unlearn and teach others to unlearn and be their unraveled selves and love it.

wiser hands stumbled a cigarette out of that fancy tin and

lit it up.

two brown eyes watched the tiny orange glow of their own personal sweat lodge.

lips sucked in the smoke.

almost immediately a guy on a bike asked for one. he had a good eye. he must have done that

often...waiting for more like her.

we bend the rules. we are authentic. we get the point across. we go full circle when we least expect it and it feels good.