eureka

on the day that i decided to no longer write about the past, everything fell into place. i dunno if this'll stick, but the decision was enough. anything can happen and when you live like everything is one, all time is one moment, and you've got nothing but your heart and your belly and your mouth, even the air gets rad.
i'll have more human and insane days, but this full moon, there's more falling away and healing than i know about or planned for. like tolle says, abundance is not more things, but a deeper connection to fewer things, alignment with life...letting go of stories and agendas, realizing that it's THAT easy to not resist. osho asks us to move like a river, swirling, passing beauty, lingering sometimes near trees and flowers, but always moving to the greater source. songs, since melody was born, pull something unique, shiny, and rare out of each soul that crosses paths. we relate because of this web and suddenly i see all the people in my life who are dear to me as parts of me, kinda literally as i breathe them in. chunks of ourselves..walking around...more often than not, hoping that we recognize one another as the same.
all is still, all is swooshing, only to help us see that metaphor after metaphor passed down through time, points deliberately in one direction. i no longer need to stray or wonder about forks in the road. i have everything i need because i'm always home. it doesn't make sense to me to know this and not be at ease, not follow it and live accordingly. all i wanna do is watch people get closer.

the feline tic tock

why men are so wonderful:
their hands, arms, shoulders, hair, the faces they get when they're trying to work things out. the faces they make when they are solving problems and are about to make this solution known. the faces they make before they smile, while smiling, and after they smile.
all of the noises they make without making sense.
strength and weakness all rolled up in one. they take charge. they let go..

the way they let me let go, ignore all my world-beating sensibilities, and go ultra-feminine, super feline, magic madness.

i wanna sleep in the quiet of all the good men i've known, and kiss all of their mouths tonite. i wanna wrestle with a pair of hands that know the struggle is only a fight to contain myself.
find me, hold me, grab my face, say "i'm finally fucking here, impatient one".

love will seal my eyelids shut for a good forty-seven seconds. in the following sixty seconds your right hand will glide down my arm and sink into my left hand.
ten fingers join while the other ten will accept the task of a very busy and mapless journey,
a scavenger hunt where knocked down doors and unmanned fires only lead to more riddles that need no solution.

vulnerability

what is the most effective way to sneak onto your skin,
becoming tiny enough to steal your love if i have to?
how do i do this?
perhaps one night as i light a candle
the wax will burn from the outside in,
leaving nothing but the gumdrop flame
which in the next breath i pluck from the air like
a ripened grape
and pop into my mouth
swallowing,
i disappear to the naked eye
as it lights my organs like
the watchtowers of The Great Wall
beginning at the belly and spreading outward
beyond and above the space of the fontanelle
there will be heat and clarity



the question will change:
not how tiny but how expansive can i be?
quantum hopping on the lilly pads
of molecules between us
the question of not how tiny but how expansive
how strong these thoughts of you have to be
to make you feel me
like i feel you
in the middle of my night
deeply
this process is frightening
the angler fish dangling its light in the depths
where it seemed impossible for this flame to even shine

fkjf

thisisasentencewithoutanyspaces

and it was difficult to type but i'm okay

i lived through it

just as i will live through having just enough .

if i could move through each piece of now, i would.

i will.

i have a box in my closet marked 'the past'

and it holds nothing that i want to keep.

i do not have a box marked the future because that would be silly.

fuck that box. who wants their future in a box?

i keep my future on a list that shines out in my room

what screams out from that list screams out so loud that it becomes real.

i'm getting close to giving without wanting

i hope it's not laziness that

i don't wanna claim anything.

i feel lately that i don't have the right to be so posessive.

OH NO

everything im learning

boils down to paying attention

i like doing that

i like it so much that i can go long periods of time

without

talking.

i like doing.

i like paying attention.

i like ice cream

i like long drives

i like learning

i like kissing

i like wearing boots and bathing suits

(but not at the same time)

i remember the feeling of being closely held by another human being and

i liked that. a lot.

i like dancing barefoot

and flailing around so crazily that youd think my parts would fly off my body

i like accomplishing things

i like not knowing because i feel safe in it

i like not needing proof of who i am...that's what makes kissing so good.

disconnect

i feel like i'm taking huge paces towards a very important door...and the strides are made in slow motion, as if my feet are stuck in tar, but i'm okay with this.

i wonder if i can stay in this job for one more year. i feel alone in it.

i am alone in it right now.

more meditation, feeling it out, more doing, more stops.

the meditation is in what i do and what i do feels like it is in slow motion and i wonder if i will ever be intimate with anybody ever again.

this is a slow opening.

i am a slow opening.

tender, pulsing, alive, alone.